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(no subject) [Nov. 16th, 2005|01:34 pm]
[mood |uncomfortableuncomfortable]
[music |Broken Flowers - There Is An End (The Greenhornes With Holly Golightly)]

i know i have been deserting this journal for such a long time again, and again, and again, but it seems that things could get better in the future cause we are getting a different contract for internet or however its called, meaning that i don´t have to count the seconds anytime i´m online. this should make things a little easier.
ok, so what has been happening around here? i´m studying. politics and english. two month, and i already think about changing my major (english), cause the original idea was to study literature and culture, not phonetics and grammar. i wonder guess my idea of english was a little influenced by certain american tv shows where the young, sensible women set out to the world to major in english literature - and then you´re sitting in your lecture hall and their are 500 newbies testing how to they pronounce the "sh" of shoe correctly. i admit, it sounds funny. but not after the sixth time.
another problem is coordaniting my high-school-friends with my new ones. or whatever they are. i usually take really really long to get along in a new environment, and i have spent the previous years around exactly the same people. but it kind of works now. i seem to be able to ... well, if i notice that we obviously don´t have anything in common, i´d willingly talk about the lord of the ring movies or some other shared pop cultural thing.
i seem to attract people who 1) play the violin, though i am not musical at all, 2) make me feel extremely uncomfortable because they lack the amount of insecurity i carry around like a shield and 3) share my geekness, but in other areas. i wonder if that has something to do with karma. or my haircut.

grl, anyway, apart from the chaos that has gotten into every aspect of my life, there are some things that are going pretty well. i went to a scout niblett show last tuesday, and it was the best show i´ve ever been to. if you know her music---well, the indie kids were kind of afraid when the drums started to play, and the punks were absolutely happy. and i didn´t expect her to be so young.
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(no subject) [Aug. 26th, 2005|10:36 am]
[music |Tomte - QOTSA (Live Rock am Ring 2005)]

i find it very insteresting how people who are drunk suddenly talk to each other, talk to people they never ever met before on this "we are both drunk, we must be alike" basis. Especially for someone who does not talk a lot, and never to strangers, its like a holiday outside my own mind. but i wouldn´t go as far as to call beer therapeutic. sylvia plath says in her journals that she could be an alcoholic if she allowed herself to be one.
and then you come home, sober because it took you so long, an all of a sudden the easiness is gone, and everything thats left behind is a bitter taste in your mouth.
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2005|12:09 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |camille - janine I]

yesterday, my parents decided to tell me that i have three siblings. i am adopted, and until know i knew that my biological mother had a daughter from a different man, she´s about 14 years older than me. but know there are two elder brothers and one younger sister, and i am terribly confused, i have know idea what to do about it or whether it changes anything. i wouldn´t want to meet my biological mother, but siblings... its already difficult enough to use the public transport system in this city or to go shopping in a crowded street, wondering whether the people around me might be related to me. sometimes i catch myself looking at people wondering whether they resemble me, whether i can find features i have too, speculating if we share the same genes. if i decided to meet them, to contact them, what would i find? would they be like me or completely different because they grew up in a different background?
its complicated to be an only child with three siblings.
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homecoming [Aug. 6th, 2005|04:37 pm]
[music |sarah vowell on this american life]

I spent one week in frejus, a small town close to the Mediterranean Sea, and after a really bad sunburn that turned my previously snowwhite skin into a red traffic light we decided that it would be better to visit cannes, nice and marseille instead of spending more time at the beach. the sunburn was the worst thing that happened to me in this month (which is really good, considering the fact that we didn´t even know where we would go or where to sleep), so i consider it a good, though painful sign.
after frejus, we took the tgv to lyon, where we actually only wanted to stay for one night to go on to paris right away, but then we stayed there cause it looked like vienna and we were hit by a sudden stroke of homesickness. I highly recommend lyon to anyone who goes to france, the youth hostel there is pretty (but on a hill, you will find it if you follow the poor, exhausted people that are hardly visible under their huge backpacks), the city itself is beautiful. there was a music festival going on when we were there, and i fell in love with a new band called les becs bien zen (you might find three live tracks online on their webpage but i forgot the URL)
so, after lyon we went to paris and stayed in the 3 ducks hostel, another recommendation if you don´t care for luxury but for a good atmosphere and many, many english speaking people (not even the staff spoke french properly, with only one exception) and open air showers. it´s not only a hostel, but also a pub.
i sound like a travel guide. gosh.
no matter how long you stay in paris, it is not long enough. i will return soon. the eiffel tower and the mona lisa are less spectacular than you would expect, but i guess that´s what everyone says about paris.
thought about people i met in france: first of all, two of total five roommates we had were nutritionists. that must be some kind of conspiracy, cause i haven´t met a single nutrionist in the preceding eighteen years. and every single irish person i´ve met since i was in ireland was really nice, although i didn´t meet a single nice irish person when i actually was in dublin. ok, i didn´t talk to too many people there, but its weird. sadly, the only thing i remember about him is his name and one of his stories. he once went to germany with some other englishspeaking people and one of them asked a guy to teach him some german swear-words, whereupon he started to run around calling everyone a "gänseblümchen", thinking that it was the worst thing he could say to a person. gänseblümchen means daisy. why anyone would want to go to germany and insult everyone, i don´t know, but he didn´t deserve any better than being humiliated in that admittedly cute way.

after paris, we went to brussels where we didn´t see anything cause we left the railway station through the wrong exit and were lost without a map in a poor suburb, whereupon we decided to go on to amsterdam right away, then to germany (kassel, berlin, munich).
considering the fact that my life is about as adventurous as watching grass grow, this month was...too much for me, so many impressions, so many conversations with people i´d just met and will, unfortunately, never see again, but thats one of the points about interrail, and its ridiculous to take pictures because they never, ever, grasp the full amount of what happened. when i came home, i felt trapped like a lab rat, i wanted to leave right away and sleep in a different city every single day and this feeling hasn´t disappeared yet.

i want to do that again.

on the other hand it was an absurd situation because i travelled with two friends, and the whole point of this adventure was figuring out what i want and who i am and one of the results is that i don´t have much in common with these two people. so, while trying to get away from my past and from the previous 18 years which i spent in the same environment, i dragged parts of exactly this past with me. but it wasn´t terrible or something, they are still the same nice and helpful and great persons, but apart from finding each other more likeable than other people we know, we don´t share anything. and now i have to move on, and figure out what i am going to do.

one of the two is going to australia for half a year and i am convinced that she will return as a different person, less naive, less ... i don´t know, unspoilt by reality. she will lose that wonderful childishness i love so much, but probably i am just wrong, and not everyone changes just because he lives in a less protective environment.
does that still make sense?
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2005|06:55 am]
bye kids i´m leaving now. i should be in nice in about 24 hours.
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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2005|02:58 pm]
and another entry into the "thanks that i didn´t have to witness that personally" category: my graduation holiday in an all inclusive club (half of my former class just returned)

I´m looking forward to paris.
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2005|06:14 pm]
[music |Die Sterne - Wir / Ihr]

i summon up the greatest amount of energy when i do stuff to avoid doing other stuff, for example calling someone. argh. i hate that.
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(no subject) [Jun. 30th, 2005|03:43 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]

hihi. not that i´d live on the real world, but still...

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(no subject) [Jun. 28th, 2005|01:10 pm]
[music |Tocotronic - Aber Hier Leben, Nein Danke]

my speaking for trees dvd arrived today. amazing what you can do with a cheap camera and an e-guitar, but i shouldn´t try to copy it.
most amazingly, my attempts to plan my interrail-tour through france start to work out, one week before i leave. it seems that we don´t have to sleep on the side of the road / in a pretty wheat field. sad. it would have been a great adventure for my underdeveloped survival instincts.
i was in sopron (hungary, close to the austrian border) last thursday and it is stunning how the inhabitants have adapted to the fact that thousands of austrian tourists only visit to buy cheap stuff. everyone speaks german, they take euros and so on. compared to vienna, where there aren´t even that many restaurants where you get a bilingual menu, its the paradise of hospitality. i know don't where the future but its not here.
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(no subject) [Jun. 27th, 2005|04:22 pm]
[mood |eclectic]
[music |Sons And Daughters - Red Receiver]

bad grammar, bad language, wrong language.
how long is the novel which you are never going to publish?
how many pages does your diary have, although youre not even 20 yet?

i think that something went wrong with my head but its better than it was before.
when i was a kid, i wanted to be an indian and i thought i had been born in the wrong time. when i grew up, i wanted to be a character in a movie, not a movie star, a fictional character. now i want to be a fictional character but i have to earn money. fuck.

cat power is a good cop and i want to meet her and douglas coupland before i die.
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